Sometimes I get frustrated with myself for making decisions that aren’t the best for me. I think this may happen to a lot of people who have decided to take responsibility for their life. I know that only I have control over what I say and what I do, so when I say something or act in a way that is not my best, I feel like I’m backtracking – not living life the way I know I am capable of.
It’s harder for me to forgive myself than to forgive other people. I feel responsible for everything… because I am… and when I don’t act in a manner that upholds my responsibility I feel guilty. I forgive people for not knowing or doing better, but not myself.
I think guilt meaningless but here I am feeling it. So I’ve decided to go back to the basics for tonight and remember that I can feel whatever I need to feel but I don’t have to get stuck in it because whenever I reject my feelings, they linger.
My emotions are different now, they have transformed over the past few years. I try and disassociate from them as much as I can – they’re not overpowering because I know that I am not my feelings – I am not my thoughts. So when I get into a mini spiral of guilt or shame or whatever it may be, I can separate a bit and observe them BUT the feelings still get me down. Not in the way they used to, but it’s still there.
Maybe this is all about forgiveness. I have to forgive myself because every one is doing the best they can at their level of awareness – including me. It’s humbling really because I’ve thought before that I was passed this point, but I’m not. I’m not passed my feelings, I’m not some sort of enlightened being – I’m just a soul in a human body making my way through life. I fuck up, I do things that aren’t good for me sometimes, I say things that shouldn’t be said. I get triggered a lot, my ego takes control, and I observe this happening. It gets less and less each day but sometimes it comes back really strongly like today and then I re-evaluate what I’ve done and how I need to improve. It’s tiring at times to feel like there’s so much work to be done after all the work I’ve put in already. But I’ll never be done and I shouldn’t try and rush the process because I can’t since I don’t know what I don’t know. I can’t do better until I know better. But I get better everyday – especially on the hard ones 😊
I guess this is life. This is part of being human. Feeling like you have it all figured out and then realizing you don’t really know anything at all. This isn’t a post meant for people to tell me that it’s going to be ok or not to be hard on myself, because I know that already. I guess me writing this is for me to process the shit going through my head and wondering if other people feel like this too. Like you’re on a see-saw teetering back and forth between awakened and asleep? Like you thought you had it figured out and then realize you don’t at all? If you feel like this just want you to know you’re not alone because I’m feeling it real heavy right now. I’m not alone, you’re not alone and with compassion and forgiveness (especially with ourselves) we have the ability to move mountains 🏔 .
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