Sometimes I’m still afraid to shine. I’m afraid to be too much or when I ask for something that I’m needy or a burden.
It’s super ironic because I spent so much of my life diminishing my light in order to be seen. I’d constantly look for negative attention. I’d test people ALL the time. I would push them to the limit and then they’d do what I feared more than anything: leave. When I think about all of my self-sabotage I don’t think I was crazy or bad anymore, I was just so hurt and fearful of being hurt again that I literally perpetuated my suffering in an attempt to control outcomes.
This is not insane behavior but it is often labeled as such. I can see why I did what I did. I can see the thread that eventually became the unraveling of my life. I can see it all, at it’s root was a need for love that wasn’t met due to imperfect humans doing their best.
Understanding everyone does their best is something pretty difficult at times. Some people may say it’s letting people off the hook for harmful or toxic behavior and they should’ve known better. Which I get. I’ve been there before too. I’ve kicked myself emotionally all over the place with “I should’ve knowns”. But the truth is, I didn’t know. And the people who hurt you don’t know how to not hurt you. People who love us hurt us all of the time because they’re not capable of loving us in the way we need.
I spent most of my life blaming people for my traumas. I did not deserve a lot of the pain I went through. You didn’t either. A lot of people did things that were harmful and it’s not your fault, at all. Another’s unawareness is not your responsibility. When you’re a child it’s extremely difficult and we often do not have a choice in what we go through due to another person. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have power now. Now that you have true sovereignty you can choose what you allow in your life through setting boundaries. You can choose to heal. You can choose to understand that the way you operate no longer serves you and be open to choosing something different. I keep personally coming back to my choices because whenever I have a choice, I have freedom. And the things I used to think were set in stone are now becoming opportunities to choose differently given the knowledge I have now.
I don’t know everything. I don’t know a lot actually. But i’m figuring out day by day what works for me and what doesn’t. And I’m learning that also shifts, day by day. What I do know, finally, is that I am not meant to relive the same toxic pattern over and over again and if I want to experience something else, I have to do something else.
I have to choose my own way of being.
I get to choose my own way of being.