Internal° monday thoughts

Have you ever listened to their misinformed (or completely uninformed) comments instead of your own intuition?

Welcome to the full-time life of Erin circa 1991-2016, and part-time Erin throughout 2017-2018.

2019 has been the year of me listening to myself – the year of me deciding I know what’s best for me – the year of taking control of my own life instead of being a blind participant in it.

It’s hard sometimes to disassociate from the opinions of others. It’s hard to let go of other people’s energy. And I couldn’t do it without a lot of work. It took me years of practice to get to this point of mental freedom. But it still waivers. It will always be a practice. I am a continuous work in progress. I still have thoughts flood in and consume me, but the moments are more brief and further apart now.

The most interesting thing to witness is that a lot of people around me are the same – with similar comments, similar well-intentioned but completely ill-advised advice but now, they don’t become me. I don’t let the voices of others drown out my own. I exist alongside wonderful people with somewhat terrible advice (for me) without animosity, without judgment, without anger or doubt. The only time I go back to them is for clarification into my own tendencies, as everyone I encounter is a mirror into my own life.

It took me a long time to get here. It took a lot of suffering through life. I realized I suffered because of my inability (at the time) to separate from other people. I was immersed in everyone else’s energy and my own was dimmed because of it. The contents of my mind were constantly muddied from the chatter of everyone else.

I used to struggle with the feeling I was closing myself off to people because of disassociation but it’s actually the opposite. Perhaps I am closing myself off to people who benefitted from me having no boundaries but my relationships with the people who respect them have flourished. I love them harder. I love them more. I am more open to love without fear that it’ll be taken away. I used to have so many fears of abandonment and loss that I wasn’t truly open to people in any real way. But letting go of the need to please everyone, the longing for approval through listening to everyone else just so that they would like me has completely transformed everything for me.

I am more me now than ever. I am more capable of making decisions for myself because of healthy boundaries. I am more willing to listen to others now because I have listened to my own voice. I am open and see so many benefits from openness, when I used to think it would only lead to pain.

So please, for the love of you, listen to yourself. You’ll know what is right if you truly listen. If you get quiet and learn to sort through all the noise, the truth comes through. And it is miraculous.

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