today, I woke up and ran & walked before work for the first time in months. I didn’t run as much as I planned and at first I beat myself up about it, and then I had gratitude for all I did, because it felt good & was much more than I did yesterday. I proceeded to mentally affirm that my worth is not tied to my productivity, to avoid replaying that old story, but energetically I did feel nice.
work has been hectic due to a lot of projects going on at once. I felt calm in some ways, hectic in others. stressed one minute, relaxed the next, noticing the switches & what triggers them. received a rave review about my akashic record final. my heart is so full. i love feeling aligned with my purpose & holding space for others. I embrace the feelings of validation of my path. I get a work call that makes me want to scream.
I had a doctors appointment for my first check up in over 5 years. proud of myself for going, I was almost late and nearly had to reschedule it for the 4th time because they don’t accept people over 15 mins late. everyone in the office was running behind, so they told me, although I was 2 mins short of missing out on my appointment, that I was right on time because the dr. was backed up. divine timing strikes again.
I almost told the nurse to not say my weight outloud but I figured I could handle seeing the number. I wasn’t going to look but then my eye caught the scale and I panicked. she then said the number out loud and I felt like curling into a ball and crying. I pulled myself from the rabbit hole after my 20th round of “my worth is not tied to my weight”. the panic subsided and I again was grateful to be doing this for myself.
the doctor comes in and tells me I’m a bit on the heavy side. then crunches the numbers and I find out I’m obese accoring to the BMI scale. the word obese rings in my head over and over. I then sat and listened to her tell me to stop eating ice cream and cut out soda. I don’t even interject to tell her I don’t usually eat ice cream and I don’t drink any sugary soda. what’s the point? she doesn’t want to know what i usually eat or drink because she doesn’t care. all she sees is obese. obese. obese.
I get the blood work done and I am grateful to be there again. I walk home and then to my nail appointment. she asks if I want a spa pedicure. why not? add some cucumber & a 15 min massage please. feeling relaxed. mess up my thumb while drying. immediately think about how time is relative and 15 minutes under the dryer feels like 4 years. I can’t see the clock. time is relative. are they dry? obese. obese. obese.
this was a perfectly human day. i had so many emotions that were all over the place but I truly felt like I was present and unwilling to define it based on one experience. I let it all come and let it all go. and that is the power of doing the work.