I spent my weekend camping with my boyfriend and as always, it was a much needed mental reset. I also went golfing for the first time ever which was a long time coming. I had lots of feelings of excitement, nervousness, frustrations and sadness.
My dad loved golfing and I always imagined my first time on a real course would be with him. Grief is complex. Sometimes just grieving what could’ve been can get you lost in cycles. But that feeling didn’t over power the fact that I was playing my dad’s favorite sport with my favorite person on a real golf course for the first time ever. I was more than happy and I know my dad was there with me in a different way.
Life is really so multi-faceted. Whenever I spend time in nature, especially with the person I love the most, I’m reminded of how in my head I can get and how a lot of things that I worry about in my life are things that won’t matter in the long run. Even while golfing, I got a little consumed by the output. I was mad about a few bad shots. Eventually, I let go of the need to do well and just had fun. I even got a par! On a real golf course! I jumped for joy and heard my dad cheering along with me, my boyfriend, and the stranger who screamed “nice shot!” Overall, it was such a great time even though I lost some balls, tees, & marbles along the way.
Out in nature, my problems seem so far away and I’m reminded that they are actually far away. if I can separate from them then how big are they really? Do they even exist?
Then I come back to normalcy because I don’t live my life out in nature and it would be incomplete to not acknowledge that every day life has a lot of its own stresses; living in a COVID-19 world & located in a new hotspot apparently, work, finances, unpacking very real & heavy grief, understanding & healing old traumas that subconsciously rule my day-to-day life. it would also be ignorant to not acknowledge that I am both privileged in a lot of ways due to nothing besides being born a certain way and also experiencing internal suffering due to the current climate of the country I live in & systemic biases that have carried through history into today’s world.
It’s not exactly all rainbows & butterflies. Lots of intense emotions have been rising to the surface, sometimes feeling like they’ll never pass. If my life has taught me anything, though, it’s that everything changes and many of the worries I’m feeling today will be just distant memories at one point in the future. but a lot of the old triggers and stories remain if I let them weigh me down.
As I sat and watched the river flow next to the person I love most, the speed boats passed and caused ripples, sail boats just floated along with the wind, and I thought about how small I was in the grand scheme of it all; how the things I experience are just a small snippet of one little point in time in this huge universe.
Maybe I’m actually more like the river than the boats. the boats can cause movement; but I remain. sometimes there’s lots of movement, sometimes stillness. sometimes there’s things speeding through causing huge ripples, and others there’s things just floating along, beautiful following the wind in whatever direction it goes. regardless of what’s going on on the outside, I’m still there underneath it all.
I don’t know which event is which sometimes. I’m still working out the kinks. Maybe I always will be.
But I know that there’s nothing more beautiful then taking more time to stop & watch the river flow, surrounded by love, letting the problems of the past and future fade into the universal abyss, & truly knowing with every fiber of your being that there is much more to life than what’s on the surface.