I lost my will to question most things when I was 4. As soon as my dad died I had no more questions. The big wonder of ‘why?’ didn’t matter to me anymore. I didn’t care why he died, I just knew he was dead. Cynicism hit me because I felt broken without even knowing how to process little feelings let alone big ones like sheer grief. I was shattered into a million pieces that took a while to pick up and glue back together. A very long while. Growing up pretty religious until that point I then completely rejected the idea of God. No more questions. Nothing left to wonder. No trace of faith for years.
And then one day, I was tired of not questioning and tired of thinking I knew all the answers. This is what my life looked like: I was heavily addicted to adderall, working full-time at a terrible company while going to school full-time for a subject I hated (at my 3rd school and major change), and in debt. I didn’t care about my body – all I cared about was being thin and I was extremely sick all the time. Clearly, I knew nothing and my life was a reflection of that. I asked no questions, i just blindly believed everyone when they said if I did XYZ I’d be happy. Does this picture look like happiness? Absolutely not. You know what happens when you have no faith in yourself or your abilities? You look for short-term fixes and end up with more damage than what you started out with. That was my rock bottom. This was my breaking point. I now have discovered that immense moments of clarity often breakthrough at my lowest. But I’ve also discovered that I don’t have to get to that place anymore because the questions I ask on a daily basis keep me afloat.
There’s a lot of pain in growth. There’s a lot of doubt. There is a lot of fear. There’s a lot of things that are less than comfortable. But you know what one of the best parts for me was and still is? I started questioning again. Answers only started to pop up when I asked questions. A glimpse of knowing only shined through once I began to question everything I knew. That sense of wonder I had as a child before life washed it away came seeping back in. There was a real sense of excitement that came from realizing I really knew nothing. Everything I thought I had figured out became laughable (IE me thinking that I was going to be a doctor, get married by 23, have first kid by 26) 😂😂 seriously??? The only way to find out how life is going to turn out is by living it. One day at a time. Once choice at a time. And it’s divine. We’re all winging it and that’s awesome. And the way we make it better is by questioning. That’s how we learn. That’s how we find out answers. You’ll never know if you don’t ask is one of my favorite mantras when I’m fighting my urge to ask a question. I used to be afraid to find out answers. I can say I have gotten way better with that fear because somethings don’t have to be a mystery. Sometimes were just addicted to the drama of it. We make mixed signals out of everything and beat around the bush and assume people can read through our cryptic messages or can read our minds. I’ve found asking questions literally eliminates 99% of my problems, anxieties, and drama. And it makes me excited again. Excited that I’m capable of learning and that there’s always going to be more to know. I feel I probably understand 1% of what’s going on in this life but if I never asked any questions that would be like ….00000000000001%.
So my question to you is this: what questions have you asked today? What were you afraid to ask? Why? Doing this little exercise helps me a lot because when I write out the ‘why’, I usually realize it’s pretty silly what my ego comes up with. When I look at my reasons on a piece of paper I am able to separate from them and realize that they’re mostly ridiculous fears. I’ve realized that asking the question doesn’t make the answer any different. It just keeps me in limbo. And I think limbo is only fun when there’s a stick and I’m trying to get under it at a party after a few drinks. No where else 🙅♀️
Love & light friends ✨
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