Sometimes I’m up and sometimes I’m down. Sometimes I can handle anything life throws at me and others I run and hide from the world. Sometimes my mind is extremely quiet and others my thoughts are unbelievably loud. Sometimes I’m energetic others I’m completely drained.
I used to think I was bipolar or something – being able to feel such highs and such lows. It’s not until I started my spiritual journey that I realized that there’s nothing wrong with me, I just learned a bunch of habits over the years of difficult experiences that completely transformed me into someone who wasn’t very functional. I know I have figured out a lot but with each more I’ve uncovered, it seems 10 new questions arise. That’s okay though.
Each time I get down on myself and if I am not happy with a particular reaction I’ve displayed I remember how far I’ve come. I remember that 5 years ago I was addicted to adderall, running on caffeine and Marlboro menthol lights, couldn’t hold down a job or maintain a healthy relationship, was in debt of over 10 thousand (with literally nothing to show for it) and just completely a mess mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Today, I have a job I’ve been at for 3 years. It’s not my ideal place but it has taught me a lot and for that I am grateful. I’m in an extremely beautiful relationship with the most amazing man that i couldn’t have dreamed up if I tried 5 years ago. I haven’t had adderall for 5 years now and quit smoking cigarettes. My body is filled with natural foods, essential oils, & vitamins. During my spare time instead of staring in the mirror picking apart my body- I read, meditate, occasionally go to a yoga class, or write. Tonight I’m going to a reiki session that my best friend gifted me for my birthday.
This life is completely different than the one I lived 5 years ago. My Dad passed away on May 20th and yesterday I broke down and cried while I was watching a show and the girls dad died on it. I’m healing and it takes time and kindness to myself during this process but I know for sure I am not broken. I never was broken really, just misinformed – misinformed by the thoughts in my head, the people around me who thought they knew what was best, and society that decides we all should fit a certain standard.
It’s never too late to have a completely different life. I’d imagine that in 5 years I’ll feel exactly the same as i do right now about 2014. Life is fluid. It constantly changes even if we don’t want it to. Sometimes change is hard to deal with but I’d like to think it’s for the best. “What’s for you will not pass you” is one of my favorite quotes that has gotten me through tough times when I was struggling with changes that seemed unwanted. Most often we are harder on ourselves than anyone around us could ever be. We beat ourselves asking “why can’t I be like her/him?”, “why aren’t I successful enough?,” “why don’t I have XYZ?” but these questions do nothing but put pressure on us and do not motivate or manifest – they dehumanize and create more lack. I’ve been doing this little exercise on looking back to see how far I’ve come. I ask you to maybe consider the same. Maybe it’s as simple as getting out of bed today. Maybe it’s removing toxic habits or people from your life. Look at all you’ve done in the past year, two years, three years, etc. And if you’re going through a low right now, I feel you and honor you. Maybe you can’t find something in this headspace and that’s OK too but I promise you’ll look back at this moment in time and say wow, I made it from that and that’s a beautiful thing.