I haven’t been keeping up with a morning routine lately. I’ve been rolling out of bed basically 15 minutes before I head to my kitchen table (temporary home office) for my 9-5 job that has been remote for over a month now. To say my morning “rut” started after NY mandated to stay at home would be a lie. It’s been around for months before that.
The last part of 2018 was a really big year of change for me in a really positive way. It started with a two month long social media detox, and along the way I picked up and succeeded at whole 30, built a consistent meditation practice that last for over 200 days, started juicing daily, was waking up 2-3 hours before I needed to leave for work to get my morning routines in, was consistently working out and practicing yoga. I woke up most days feeling great and when i didn’t I honored that and tried my best and then picked up the next day. Then 2019 became complicated. My dad died 6 days before my 28th birthday on May 20, 2019. I couldn’t really get my stuff together but that’s grief for you. When 2020 started I was pretty discouraged by my inaction. I wondered how I had “moved back” instead of progressed as time went on. Eventually after lots of reflection and letting myself be, I realized that healing is complex and tricky. There’s no straight line. But I do have some power even though I have absolutely no control over what happened.
I’ll never try to rush my grief process because I know I can’t. I’ve known grief ever since I can remember. My first dad died 11 days before my 5th birthday. I had a lot of close family friends who seemed to die left and right. I grew up around families who lost children and parents. I lost my dads side of his family when he died and never knew why. So much of my life has centered around death or abandonment. I’m also adopted which has a whole other slew of subconscious implications.
I’m realizing that although my spiritual path began with focusing on the positives and seeing the light in situations, sometimes that light isn’t always there. I don’t believe everything happens for a reason like I once did through my participation in spiritual bypass. I do believe that there is much to be grateful for in my life and there’s also much to be sad about. I can be both. I can feel both lucky and heartbroken. And that is something new and important within my life. Embracing all of the spectrum instead of just what I deem “positive”.
This has opened up a whole other experience. Through this practice I’ve been able to find tools that work with both my shadow and light. And I’m starting to dive into what I think will be the biggest work of my life – healing my inner child. The little girl still grieves and now she’s grieving a second dad. I don’t have any memories of my childhood because of traumas that run so deep and I’m starting to unlock them. I’m focusing on the “shit” instead of the rainbows. I always thought I had to be positive to take action but I’m realizing what I have to be is real and integrate everything in my life, not just the “good stuff”. I have to be authentic in my feelings and my experiences because anything other than that is just fluff.
Looking into your wounds does something interesting. Instead of putting a bandaid I feel like it stitches things up. There may always be a scar but I feel there’s strength in that instead of a wound that keeps bleeding. I’ve been feeling huge shifts just within 4 days of a program that hasn’t once asked me to “think good positive things” or stare into the mirror saying “I love myself”. It’s been asking me to dig deeper. I’ve been able to remember more than before. And now that I’m allowing these feelings that aren’t ignoring reality, I was able to take action for myself again. After almost a year of saying, “I’m going to wake up early,” or “I’m going to work out today,” I finally did it. I went for a run yesterday. I woke up and got out of bed at 5:55 today and did yoga and meditated and read and wrote and participated in a work shop and did some arm weight exercises. I was able to take the pressure off, and just do instead of thinking about doing.
Starting my morning off this way consistently is transformative. This is my day one. But I’m approaching things differently this time around. I’m just trying to do right by myself through healthy actions and healing the things inside of me that think I’m not worthy of a good life which usually causes me to self-sabotage. Life isn’t supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies and sometimes hard things happen. Sometimes we need to take time. But we need to give ourselves a fighting chance as well by taking steps that help us as much as we can. Positive thinking doesn’t do a thing if you don’t apply action. And action didn’t come to me through positive thinking but by getting real with myself and looking at the things within me that continue to hold me back. We are all capable of so much more than we believe, and by giving ourselves the chance to feel what we have to and heal, we transform.
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