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WHOLENESS° wednesday thoughts

I never had the thought that I had to know where my blood came from to know who I was. I never had the desire to look up my birth-parents. I really have all of the information to piece it together. I have a lot more than most people do. I have a letter from my birth mother telling me her full name and the name of the man she was marrying (not my birth-father). I have the first name of my full-brother. My mom always told me I could look up my birth mother or brother if I wanted to and that she wouldn’t be upset but truthfully, I have never wanted to. I don’t feel the need that some other adopted people feel. Maybe that will change one day. It hasn’t today and it hasn’t even wavered for the past 27 years I’ve been on this earth. I get curious sure, but not enough to act on it. Maybe it’s because I never had some life-shattering moment where I found out that I was adopted. I always knew. I always knew my parents were my parents, the people who raised me are my true parents. I was chosen by my Mom and Dad before I was even born and every day after it. And then I was chosen again by my Dad now when he married my Mom.

The only time I felt uncomfortable was when I had to do family trees for school projects. There were so many years that they were assigned. Too many in my opinion but I guess teachers think it’s a fun project to give out. I’m sure that’s mostly true. But it wasn’t true for me, the girl whose adopted and the girl whose Dad died. I would fill in with the information of my parents, the people who adopted me, but that project always got to me in someway. My first dad, my dad who adopted me when I was born and died when I was almost 5 had a family before he married my mom. For the first 5 years of my life they were my family too. But then he died and with his death, they were gone from my life just as much as he was. Actually more gone than he was since I now know my Dad is with me always. But being a little girl of 5 that lost half of her family and didn’t know why sitting and coloring family trees and paste pictures onto the paper pretending she was like everyone else didn’t make me feel good. Pretending I liked the project and that it wasn’t extremely complicated for me was pretty difficult. I remember lying on some of them to try and make them more “normal”. Thinking back on it I think I used to get mad at the teacher. I think it was rooted in me feeling they were not being sensitive to the fact that someone’s story might be different than everyone else’s. Obviously this is a complex thought to a kid that I probably didn’t understand back then. I found all my family tree projects when I was going through things when my mom finally moved out of the house I grew up in. All the memories of those stupid trees came back. And then i forgot about them. Until today – the day my 23 & me ancestry report was finalized.

I spent the morning looking into my background: 33% British, 28.6% German, 18% NW European (can’t trace exact location), 10.2% Lithuanian, 4.0% Broad European(can’t trace exact location) 2.2% Southern European, 1.7% Sub-Saharan African, 1.1% Scandinavian, .4% Northern Africa/ Arabian, .3% Iberian, .3% unknown (I always knew I was part👽), 0.2% Native American. Mouthful huh? They also found 1,058 of my distant relatives that have also taken a 23 & me test with names of each one because they signed off on giving their information. I have no desire to follow through on any of them but damn, 1,058 people that have a same piece of DNA as me have already taken this test. That’s a lot more than I could’ve ever fathomed.

Being adopted is really interesting. Some people don’t know how to react when I tell them. It’s not their fault, they just can’t relate. Something that is part of my story is SO foreign to a lot of people. I only knew a handful of people growing up that were adopted. One in my school. I know some struggled with it. I’ve struggled it in a different way than the typical “I need to find my birth parents” kind of way. I know subconsciously there’s a lurking abandonment issue conundrum that I carried with me my entire life but every day I work on taking it’s power away. Taking away its hold over my life. When I was younger I was reckless with who I gave my heart and attention too. I’d pick people that were completely wrong for me and try and mold into the perfect image of who I thought they wanted so that they’d never leave me. Or I’d pick people that were frankly not deserving of everything I had to offer to ensure I wouldn’t be left. I never had abandonment issues manifest in the need to search for my blood but I had it in the need to search for a person to fill the void of being “left” in some way.

Abandonment issues run deep in adoption. I never knew about it until I got older and decided to work on myself. It’s also a deep seed in people who lose a parent at a young age. Double whammy. This following message is for everyone because we all have glimpses of needing someone or something to fill a void at sometime or another. It’s even more specific to people who are adopted or lost a parent pretty early on. It’s something I wish I heard when I was feeling lost or empty or abandoned:

You are whole. You are complete by yourself. You are loved. There is no one else who can provide for you the way that you can provide for yourself. You don’t need to chase after the wrong people and fit a mold that you weren’t meant to fit in. You are perfect the way you are: flaws and all. There is no one out there like you and you are so valued. You being on this earth means something. You matter. You belong here in the way that you were brought here. Your story is the story you are meant to have. But you also now have the choice on how you want your story to continue. You are so powerful. You are the creator of your life. This world may seem unfair sometimes, and it can be really ugly and hard but I promise that everything is going to be okay. You can get through everything- you have so far. YOU did that. And you are stronger from everything you have experienced. Don’t let your fear of being alone make you fill a void to feel less lonely. You are never alone if you love the company so work on loving yourself. That is the most important thing in this life. To love and accept yourself because life is fluid and things change but you bring yourself with you wherever you go. The right people will flow into your life when they are supposed to. What’s for you will not pass you. You don’t have to chase or hold onto people so tightly. Those that are meant to be in your life will stay, those who aren’t wont. This is a blessing. Let them come, let them go. Don’t let anyone make you question your worth. You are so worthy. You are so guided. Who ever has left this earthly body remains with you everyday. They are able to guide support you in a way they were not capable of on this earth. Ask for a sign from them. They will come through if you hold the space – if you allow them to. They love you so much. The love didn’t go away it just transformed. You are so loved. You ARE love. Never ever forget that.

Love & light friends ✨

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