You don’t need to be healed to be happy

Sometimes I get caught up in the idea that I am “not there yet”, as in I am not at the place I want to be internally and because of this I am not capable of thriving or being truly joyful.

I operated out of a victim mindset for so much of my life that it still rears itself sometimes. The thoughts come up that things have been too hard, I’m too damaged, or that I am not remotely far enough along in my accomplishments to be content with how my life has unfolded so far. These are all false stories but they are subconscious “truths” just the same. Our subconscious beliefs dictate around 95% of our thoughts, words & actions. And while I have healed a ton of my subconscious beliefs by bringing them to the surface through a lot of self-reflection & different healing modalities, the emotional, physical, mental, & spiritual impact of our experiences run deep and influence us whether we are aware of it or not.

Over the last few years I’ve focused a ton of self-acceptance & compassion. I often find it hardest to forgive myself. I am the only one who knows everything I’ve done & some of my past is dark because hurt people hurt people. Forgiving myself for not knowing better at the time is so important. I saw the message “you cannot judge yesterday’s decisions with today’s wisdom” and I constantly remind myself of that. Taking responsibility & accountability in my every day life is something that is relatively new in my 30 years on this earth. Victim consciousness brings you out of responsibility. Making the active choice to heal puts so much of your life back into your hands.

The internal healing journey is never done. There are moments I feel lost. There are days I lose my $hit. There are times I have so much anger that I literally have no idea what to do that I just slam things and yell. I often become overwhelmed with grief. I watched a video before about a young girl going to see her grandpa and the joy in both of their faces made me cry like a baby in the airport because my future children will never have a moment like that. It reminded me of one of the last times I saw my dad and his entire face lit up when I walked in the room. He knew me and felt joy even when he couldn’t remember or feel much else. I will never have another hug from, play another game of backgammon, or watch/curse a jets game with him and that hurts too much at times. The grief of losing my first dad at 4 hits me sometimes too, even 26 years later. Grieving the loss of two dads, who’s anniversaries are both within 11 days of my birthday by the age of 28 is something many people don’t understand & sometimes I feel like no one can relate to me and that sucks. Healing is complex. Hurting is complex. Life is complex. It is messy. It is horrible and it is beautiful.

So much of what I share with people is often met with “yeah, but what do you know? sounds like you have an easy life if you’re saying things like ‘you can be happy in this moment, regardless of your circumstances’” but the truth is we all have internal battles & traumatic experiences because we are human. I’ve actually had a lot more than many people I know personally. I’ve also had less than others & am privlidged in many ways. But we can heal because of these experiences, not inspite of them. And I know that I can be happy, just as I can be sad, or angry. I know I can feel fulfillment regardless of what my life looks like because I’ve felt it in times where I “shouldn’t” have based on societal standards.

I am often open about my harder experiences and feelings because I know what it is like to keep them bottled up. I remember a time where it all felt too heavy and I almost didn’t make it. I suffered in secret a lot. I turned to distractions to try and force them away but that only made them grow. My mental wellness is an ever-evolving process and sometimes I feel like I’m “failing” at it. I share my own antidotes fully knowing that not everyone will resonate & they will not apply to all but there is a chance one person will connect and if I can help someone feel like they are not alone and help them have more faith in themselves, then I have been fulfilled a small part of what I came here to do. I find it so fascinating that we live in a world where everyone things that a disagreement in opinions equates to an argument. I feel like the concept of discernment or differences of opinions are necessary is lost on so many given today’s climate. So I just want to re-iterate that if you disagree with anything I say, that’s cool! Test things out for yourself (or don’t). Take what resonates & leave the rest. Be open to hear something that doesn’t go along with what you believe. Take everything with a grain of salt.

There have been points in my life where everything on the surface was going right but I couldn’t see past my own darkness. I was miserable even with all my blessings. I have endured so much and there were times that I knew even though I didn’t know how I’d make it through, I knew I would. I was grateful even with all of my curses. My internal environment was something I chose completely separate from my external & that truly is a reflection of non-attachment. Non-attachment has led to so much personal sovereignty.

Everytime I focus on my own power, bring in a new perspective, open up and see where I can make choices where I once believed there were none, and trust myself, things work out for me. I might not even accomplish what I set out to do but I learn along that way, which is equally a success. This doesn’t mean that i’ve manifested everything or figured this thing called life out. It just means I was able to make peace with the moment and accept where I was. I have been able to cultivate happiness in the hardest of times.

Everytime I focus on where someone did me wrong, where I messed up, how much time I’ve wasted, or other disempowering perspectives, I pull myself out of the current moment and remove the capability of being present. Presence welcomes newness, fulfillment, & peace. Avoidance of the present and fixation on the past or future welcomes resentment, shame, guilt, anxiety, & non-fulfillment.

Your life doesn’t need to look like your dream life for you to have immense joy, gratitude, happiness, & love today. You can thrive regardless of outer circumstances. Cultivating gratitude for the little things goes a long way. Intention to look at what is going right instead of wrong is a powerful shift.

I get questions from people asking if they need to heal more in order to accomplish or receive what they want and I see how disempowering that can be. Healing is an important step but fixating on needing to heal more is another way of bringing you out of the present which brings you out of your power.

I want you to know that no matter how far you might think you are from living the life that you want, it is one decision away. You can only make one decision at a time. So instead of focusing on the whole staircase, focus on one step. You don’t and can’t figure it all out in one day so why fixate on what the master plan is? You will never know the entire picture, ever. You will never see the entire path or where it will take you. This is a great thing because how boring would that be? We all have the capability of changing our mind & the trajectory of our life, and we all have the ability to take our power back.

I’ve been on an active healing journey for years now and the truth is sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’ve healed at all when I get triggered. But I am able to recognize that this is not my truth. And that recognition is proof of how far I’ve come.

Everyone who is reading this has made a decision in some way or another to take their power back. Maybe you have felt like a victim or beat yourself up over the past. I get it, I’ve been there many, many times and I will be there again. But the fact you are choosing to look at yourself honestly & heal at least in some small way is a huge reflection of your dedication to choosing your life, which is completely possible once you believe that it is. You should be proud of yourself, because even though I don’t know you personally, I certainly am.

xx erin

TLDR;

I get questions from people asking if they need to heal more in order to accomplish or receive what they want and I see how disempowering that can be. Healing is an important step but fixating on needing to heal more is another way of bringing you out of the present which brings you out of your power.

Everyone who is reading this has made a decision in some way or another to take their power back. Maybe you have felt like a victim or beat yourself up over the past. I get it, I’ve been there many, many times and I will be there again. But the fact you are choosing to look at yourself honestly & heal at least in some way is a huge reflection of your dedication to choosing your life, which is completely possible once you believe that it is. You should be proud of yourself, because even though I don’t know you personally, I certainly am.

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